the condom got lost in my hair
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
