I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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