I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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