Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
