his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
