If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
