Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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