I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize