U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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