I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
