is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize