fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
