i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
