Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
