sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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