Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
