dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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