found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It's just like the Real World with babies
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
