I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
