Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
