im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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