I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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