I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
