why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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