I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
