if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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