Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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