It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
