why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
