My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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