i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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