yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
