Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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