I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
