So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Green mimosas i think yes
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
