a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
