I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
