I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
