I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
