it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Come on in and take your pants off
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