dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
