btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
