Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
