Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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