Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
