At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
