I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
