Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
