Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize