My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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