Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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