he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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