No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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