Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
