I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
