I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
