We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
